Marriage to me is.....

It’s a journey, with no map and an uncharted destination. I mean two people co-existing together while trying to exist as their own person and not lose themselves in the madness. Having kids, growing older, changing values, way of doing things, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, favorite things and probably a million other things.

My favorite candy 10 years ago isn’t my favorite candy now, or favorite song, style, movie. But sometimes we forget how much we’ve changed and still expect the other person to always know. Becoming a mother changed the way I view my body and I’ve in turn assumed my husband feels the same way I do about it, when in reality he probably doesn’t. If I’m confident, happy and healthy with myself it will resignate with him as well. His style has changed, his hobbies have changed and his goals but I still love him. So why do I assume it’s not the same standard for me? It’s predominately a woman’s way of thinking I’ve learned. Being unsure of ourselves on a deeper level through all of our ages. It doesn’t seem like a lot of time when I say it out loud but man how I’ve changed from 30 to 36. It’s been the biggest shift of self awareness and trying to figure out who I am.

Not only is it hard to grow and change together but it’s especially hard if you weren’t really taught the things in which a relationship, a marriage are built on. Communication, partnership, listening, and unconditional love. If these values aren’t something your raised with, given examples of and taught then you have some extra steps to take.

Since neither of us come from strong examples like this we’ve had our fair share of struggles and lessons but I’ve learned a few things along the way.

1. Never argue to win. If your goal is to win then that means they lose and that shouldn’t be your goal.

2. You don’t have to always agree. But you should always understand the others perspective, hear them out and disagree with respect. .

3. Take time to learn how they effectively communicate. We don’t all do it the same. For example Nick does better with some sort of a game plan after an

argument something that will create order and structure. Where as I thrive off of knowing you hear me, show kindness and love me unconditionally.

4. It’s ok to go to bed angry. A fight isn’t always going to resolve itself in some specified time frame and sometimes you just need to sleep on it.

5. Don’t be combative. It will only fuel the fire. Learning to be calm and not fight/yell back will always help you see more clearly and better do what is best for you.

It’s hard to believe we are coming up on twenty years together. From 16 to 36 we are entirely different people and we’ve come so far. I still have a lot, A WHOLE LOT to learn and I’m grateful for where this path has led us.

Relationships take care and a commitment to show up EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s just like going to work, you put in time and can’t really expect to slack off and still get benefits. Sometimes it will last and sometimes it ends. Either way as long as you try your best that’s all you can do and all that matters, be aware of when your not giving your all and figure out why.

Cassie DefazioComment